according to ellejayy, the last time i typed here was six weeks ago. 0= so much has happened since then, mainly summertime chillin'. (;

but i type here again only because of some crazy shower scene deja vu that i feel the need to at least try remembering. i don't think almost fainting in the middle of a shower is a good thing. my first thought was to open the shower door, but the coldness of the air didn't help at all. so i lay down in the tub, and i slowly feel better.

i don't know what happened still, but it's happened before.
maybe two years ago?


at least i know that in tense situations, i'll always be able to keep myself intact and stay calm. (=

&ok, honestly, cutting bunnyy out of my life has really taken a huge load off of my shoulders. or, let's go one step further into cornyland &say it's seriously taken a huge load off of my heart. (]=

that's all for now. ^^

the last time i typed here it was april!?!?

sorryy ellejayyness, guess i got caught up with sitd, bd, xangerness, and [[most recentlyy]] a chinese yahoo!blog. i know. blogcrazyy. but it's onlyy so that little parts of me can be found all over the world wide web instead of in one isolated location.

anywayy, where to begin??

met someone new, a lot of someone news. but this someone new has changed myy heart, somehow. (= 1750 on myy first time taking the stupid sats. sucking horriblyy at precal. had myy first tarot reading from random bipolar ladyy at ucberkeleyy yesterdayy. been asked out byy semi-retard guyy in p.e.

&yea. that's all i can manage to remember right now...

OHWAIT. omfgwtfh? natalya? same room during the sat subject tests?!?! i guess it was good for me. i had been thinking about her a whole bunch latelyy. considering her birthdayy was june third. &the dayy before sats, roses byy oukast was played on the loudspeaker during those dailyy school announcements. i don't know what to make of seeing her again just yet.

need time to get things together, youu know?

turned in myy letter to myself in five years todayy. i'm hoping for the best, as always. (]=

damn, talking to brian again.
don't think i have the right to call him bunnyy anymore?
but i'll see.

see??
people always come back.
sooner or later, theyy make a u-turn back into your life.
theyy might make another u-turn right after and leave again.

people always leave.
but theyy always come back.
sooner or later.

one down, manyy more to go.
checking off people i gotta talk to again as i go. (=

i'm still a kid. i love being a kid. but things that go on right now...school, the future being what i make of this next year &a half...it's forcing to think ahead. and make the memories of a carefree life onlyy memories.

wtf? when did this happen??

i like life, but i used to love it. and i'm going to whatever it takes to get back.
these might as well be myy "gloryy days" that i'm gonna tell myy grandkids about. or something.
i gotta make this shit worthwhile. i gotta step up and find that inner happyy place again.

can't wait until summer. these last three days have been hot as hell, and it's making me want summer to come even more. (= something about this sunshine and happiness just makes me go WOAH! helloooo life.

if i can survive the rest of this month and mayy [[all the SAT, AP testing shit!]]...i can survive anything!

listening to the beatles right now for the first time since maybe 8th grade or freshie year...i sayy it best in emails to seven..."i realized that i haven't reallyy heard anyy of their songs latelyy, and many of them are part of the soundtrack of myy life. it's amazing, how four people could influence so manyy more with their music. i mean, seriouslyy! if youu ask a lot of the best bands of todayy who their influences were, theyy almost always include the beatles somewhere. amazing, right? that's also the reason whyy i love radiohead so much, too. 'cause then youu just get lost in time, and youu think about all of those people who loved these songs before youu?? amazing! i'm gushing now. hahah. so i'll stop.."

which is to sayy...seven is finallyy back in myy life, and it makes me happier than anything. weirdlyy.

youu know the feeling when youu type something without reallyy thinking about it, but youu realize it's reallyy good when youu read it again some time later? it seems everyy email that i type to seven can do that for me. it's like thinking, "wow, yea. that was me. i reallyy did type that. i reallyy did think that." and it's simply amazing all around.

p.s. ahh, yes. the last entryy is titled "dear prudence" because that was the dayy that i heard the best live cover of it that i ever listened to so far. &it's the song i'm listening to now, because i always have funnyy luck when i playy songs on random.

so you're not gone, after all.
you've just been waiting, all along.

you're not gone! you're not gone!

if onlyy myy happiness could bounce off of walls and make its wayy to youu...




and...
who the fuck gets "anti-social" in the middle of a conversation.
hella not cool, but whatever.

gonna layy myy head down knowing that youu didn't die. (=

i'm reallyy starting to hate him. him, of all people. someone who is//was youu know, supposedlyy one of myy best friends. he's changed. a lot. i'm beginning to see a hypocritical side of him...which isn't the him i know at all. it seems that all he ever has to sayy to me now is how he is trying to deal with liking a girl who mayy or mayy not like him back. thinking back, that seems to be all he ever reallyy talked about. all of these years. but with different girls.

i guess he tries to be playful. because that's how his familyy is, how he was brought up. i guess. but the things he does makes me want to punch him in the face sometimes. &the things he says now when i'm not there. he seems to love everyy single one of his possessions, but doesn't realize that other people value their things, too.

in short, he's turning into the exact same kind of person that i can't stand to be around. he's turning into...oh, i don't know, another natalya. another astha. another amber? people who i was glad to let go of. but still people i wish i said proper goodbyes to. people who i think back five years later, and sorelyy miss.

but right now, he could be whisked awayy from myy life suddenlyy, and i would smile and wacth the clouds that look like little fishies like i did todayy in p.e.

[[i think that i think;; therefore i think that i am.]]

as i sit here trying to finish some ap english homework and enjoying some yummyass yoplait strawberyy yogurt...something hits me: i'm still not where i want to be, and i'm not even close, but i'm happyy. i'm happyy because there isn't an end yet. like the song that is so beautiful that youu never want to end, even if it makes youu anticipate the ending, thinking that the end must be even more beautiful that everything before it.

life works in funnyy ways, but it always works. there are so many things to deal with all at once. ¬ being able to actually deal with everything that life throws at youu does not make youu a failure at life. it took me from the beginning of myy life until just now to realize the truth in the sentence i just typed. i remember always mourning and beating myself up over the fact that i completelyy fail at life. but, what makes youu a failure at life is actuallyy simplyy sitting there, refusing to tryy.

so manyy funnyy emotions and realizations have come to me latelyy...such as, finallyy seeing who the guyy i used to like reallyy is for the first time. something about likingness made me fail to realize certain things that would've been disappointing to realize. such as squishyyness level, i guess. hahaha. or that he's not as cute as i remember thinking he was. weird, small, stupid things that are reallyy in plain sight. i mean, hellooo, i kind of sat next to him in everyy class beside the one that we didn't have together. should've seen it earlier, but life is funnyy. it saved me the regret and disappointment i would've faced if i realized all this stuff if our relationship progressed into anything more than friendship.

hahaha. i've recentlyy [[as in, for the past week or two]], found myself wanting to talk to three particular people. i've just seen them around and talking to them and getting to know them is definitelyy now on myy to-do list. [[hopefullyy one that i'll actuallyy get the stupid motivation to attempt]]. one of them is the definition of superbright. everything about him just seems...reallyy brilliant. or something. it's more than just the superblonde hair and whatnot...some foreign urging feeling in myy brain wants me to talk to him sometime. he lives at myy friend's house now that he got kicked out, so there definitelyy is opportunityy to get to know him better. (= the second person went to myy elementaryy school, but is two years tounger than me. he's a freshie &i read an essayy he wrote about his childhood since i'm his english teacher's assistant. &apparentlyy, he's the cousin of this friend i had wayyyyy back in 5th-6th grade, who moved to hawaii. i just wanna know what happened to his cousin, myy friend, and if there's anyy wayy of contacting him again. third person is this guyy at church! he's always so damn quiet and keeps to himself, listening to his ipod. it's killing me to know what he's reallyy listening to all of the time, but he didn't let me have a listen when i asked. which never happened to me before &makes me wanna get past his hard interior to see who this guyy reallyy is.

and....seeing as i've finished myy yogurt and should get back to homeworking, i shall stop rambling after the next period.

god, do i have issues or what?? wanting to know, &yet, knowing that knowing is ughh so gross so gross, such a horrible thing. man. i can't imagine it. or i can and that's the last thing i want to do! i think i'm a horrible person//friend. i can't be trusted with secrets. not if theyy kick myy imagination into gear. bad imagination. myy god. and a whole bigass chunk of me wants to ask for details, too. i guess it's just been a while since i've heard a deflowering storyy. all the details. &everything. i just...HIM?! unbelievable. impossible. kind of fucking disturbing. i want to tell someone so bad, so bad. gosh. i reallyy can''t keep a good, juicyy ass secret, huh??

he's a totallyy different person now! scaryy as fuck to think about. am i that different too?? totallyy thinks he's badass or something. theyy all do, everyone, actuallyy. he's so anti-everything. but then, he's not negative. not reallyy. just reallyy passionate about hating god. breaking past this gooddyy two-shoe image that everyone seems to associate with him.

crazyy as fuck, but hela amusing. &scaryy//disturbing//weird//etc. at the same time.


wow. speechless.

saw i am legend late last night, and when i got home, i ate some pad thai &crashed into bed. so tired that i didn't even have to freak out staring at the darkness while laying in bed &trying to sleep after watching a creepyyass movie. starting to watch hana kimi, and saw half of the series in one night. taiwanese drama seem to be the onlyy thing that can keep me sane for a while. but i'm waiting for the homework load to catch up with me tomorrow, with an essayy for ap english. ><" but at least the end of this week shall mean the beginning of the long-awaited winter break. (= planning to just release &recharge because god knows i need it. gotta de-stress myself &get awayy from all of this schoolwork. i'm not gonna tryy to fix things anymore, but finallyy kind of talking is a huge relief because it means maybe things are gonna change for the better.

oh yes, and it's a personal goal to start driving again this winter break. need to practice &get that licence for summer!

i haven't had much to sayy latelyy, except that i've realized that something's always gotta give. someone's gotta give. and that someone is usuallyy me. it's reallyy beginning to drag me down. it's tiring. and frustrating. i was never great with dealing with frustration. two things can make me cryy: sadness and frustration. i don't know whyy but whenever i'm frustrated, i usually find myself fighting back tears of...not being able to let myy thoughts get through. i don't know. it's weird.

lack of sleep has been getting to me latelyy. i can feel it. it's making me a crankyy person, or someone who has forgotten how to be happyy. maybe it's just this week? or maybe myy bodyy is finallyy trying to fight back myy urges to not sleep at all. no nightmares for a while, at least. i don't force myself to allow those to be avoided back in myy life again...but i'm trying myy best to open myy mind so that i don't automaticallyy shrink awayy from their presence. it's so damn difficult. but i think if i can just look at his face, if i can do just that for at least ten seconds, then maybe i'll be able to trulyy overcome myy fears.

i was bored and had nothing in particular to do the other dayy...so i finallyy counted how long myy first relationship lasted. i went all the wayy back to 2005 on myy phone calendar, and it turns out that we lasted for seven weeks and three days. i then went on to count how long seven weeks and three days would be for his first relationship. if theyy can last until new years' dayy of 2008, his first relationship would officiallyy be longer than mine byy a dayy.

i don't know whyy i do this to myself, but i just do. and then i have to deal with it. but i can. so it's alright. at least i'm working with not being so pessimistic and predicting when theyy will break up, or when things will start to fail.

no matter how much i put myself out there to tryy having the same kind of friendship that we used to have before i totallyy freaked out and backed off...it's not working. it won't ever be the same. i wish i realized what i was doing a bit sooner, but then maybe things would've been different. i wish i knew i was pushing him awayy to the point where he'd be too scared to tryy coming back because i was too afraid of trusting in him so much. but i didn't know until it was too late. and maybe it's for the better...because maybe if i never did these things that i wish i didn't, he wouldn't have found his happiness when he did.

i'm happyy for him, and so readyy for a new chapter in myy life to begin.

i don't ask for rides anymore because what used to be a wonderful silence in his car has turned into a trullyy awkward silence. plus. being in his car makes me sad now, for some reason. his car is no longer a safe place, where myy thoughts and mouth can run free. i did ask for a ride for the first time in two weeks todayy, and bunny's song for anna was playing. i had to fight the urge to reach over and change the song. it got so horrible that i was actuallyy trying to hold back tears. his car is no longer a safe place.

and yes, i do realize that manyy entries before this one were focused on him. i'm going to tryy promising to myself to keep thoughts about him, entries about him, or anything about him in general, in the back of myy mind. he isn't important anymore. he can't be. he has someone else to worryy about him, someone else to worryy for. i guess i reallyy did like him. it's kind of a pityy that i didn't realize it untill it was too late. i don't think i would've done anything about it even if i could admit that i liked him a lot. i don't think i would've. but it doesn't make a difference now anywayy.

the onlyy time we ever reallyy talk now is about school. or homework. wtf kind of friendship is that?? i guess there is none....unless this "friendship" has diminished into us only being saying-hi friends.

myy sister has been kind of a bitch latelyy...so quick to a temper, and yet, she's still so horrible with combacks. i wish she didn't tryy to argue back with me. it makes me want to hurt her so badlyy, and i have to force myself to remember that i can't do that anymore. she has this new fetish with weight. she basicallyy thinks she's fat, and all she ever eats is a big bowl of salad or something, which basicallyy has no necessaryy nutrients beside water. &then she complains about her thighs. the thing is, she has no thighs, and i want to just tell her to shut the fuck up. i want to tell her that there are more important things to worryy about in life, and bitching to me about her "fat" is not going to do anything beside annoyy me endlesslyy. i reallyy wish she knew the difference between being healthyy and being skinnyy. she's opting for skinnyy &doesn't give a fuck about her health. she still takes sides with the father, and i don't know. i reallyy do not like associating myself with closeminded people, but i can't reallyy ignore myy own sister, either.

and as for the familyy. it's falling apart. slowlyy. from an outsider's view, there's probablyy no visible problems. but the lack of communication in this household is what's killing it in the first place. it took me a while to realize that it's the onlyy reason whyy myy parents reallyy ever fight. if it's not lack of communication, theyy just tryy blaming one another for the stupidest things...which leads to screaming and slamming doors and both of them coming to me separatelyy to talk about how horrible the other person is. it's almost as if theyy want me to take sides with them. i refuse. i'm still the pacifier of everything...the one who reminds them to keep their voices down. the person who tries to reason with both of them to end the goddamn fighting. it's beginning to get to me. i feel like i'm doing so much for nothing. i mean, myy sister has alreadyy taken sides with myy mom. myy dad is never going to put familyy first. and myy mom is never going to get used to life in america. yay. i'm putting in so much effort for a lost cause, reallyy.

i guess this is where i should end myy ramblings about the issues floating around in myy head for now. because i'm beginning to feel like this is a complaining entryy, and it wasn't meant to be. i onlyy meant to type out some of the things that i've been having issues with the last two weeks i haven't typed. &i end up sounding like i'm just bitching about life. sigh.

i'm gonna tryy to let loose and relax now. for myself. i need it.

i fall easilyy, bruise easilyy. there are bruises on myy legs that have been there for at least five years. i hurt. but i find it within me to get back up. always. theyy sayy time heals. it hasn't healed the bruises on myy legs yet. obviouslyy. but it's deeper than that.

it goes deeper. i can fall. i can bruise. i can hurt. all of these, i know too well. &somehow, i can slowlyy get back up. i stayy on the ground for a while, finding comfort. feeling closer to something, just anything. sometimes, i let myself drown in myy sorrows, the unhappiness of everything. but i realize there's more in this world. for me. there's more to myy life. so i jump back up with a snap of myy legs, the rush in myy head. with a new lesson learned, i feel like i can face anything the world throws myy wayy.

it's a never ending cycle.

and as far as i will allow myself to remember, i am now beginning round ten.

nine times, i've fallen so deep before. nine times. but i braced myself and got up.
i let myself believe that maybe, just maybe, there's more to life than darkness.

i'm crawling toward the sun, &there must be more than darkness.
with the bruises on myy leg, scars on myy skin, troubles on myy mind.

there must be.

and maybe this won't be the time, but i know the cycle &i won't ever give up.

&so i was wrong, i guess. wrong to trust youu so much after all. so wrong to tryy &be a friend to youu. wrong in thinking that i was maybe someone in your life who was more than a saying-hi friend.

let me get this straight. something has changed ever since youu got your first girlfriend. i can see that you're the happiest you've ever been. i can see that youu have been given a reason to be happyy. &that makes me trulyy happyy for youu. trulyy.

i just don't understand whyy youu having a girlfriend means we can't seem to be friends anymore.

i realized that i was the onlyy one even making an effort to keep whatever friendship we had. i was the one who talked to youu first, always. if i never initiated a conversation, we would've never talked. like how things are right now, i guess. i even imed youu first. &everyone knows that i never im someone unless it's completelyy urgent, or you're someone reallyy close. but i always made youu an exception.

i tried. i reallyy did tryy. to break through this barrier that youu always seemed to put up. this wall. blocking me from...something. i know myy boundaries. i know the limits. &i knew i had to stop trying to break down your barrier the dayy youu told me youu thought it was annoying.

i always made youu a priorityy, even though i knew the lesson that i've learned over and over again in life from jessica. "never make someone your priorityy unless theyy make youu theirs." i knew that i was far from important in your life, and yet, i pushed forward. i thought maybe there was some potential for real friendship.

i trusted youu. entirelyy. with myy stories, which are equal to myy life. the "secrets". myy thoughts. everything. i trusted youu. even though youu never let me believe that youu trusted me back, i trusted youu.

i'm pretending that anyy promise youu ever made to me never even happened. because i can see now that youu never reallyy meant to keep them. &promises are just words unless theyy are fulfilled. &in forgetting your emptyy promises, i won't be let down byy youu anymore. and i won't be able to hate youu.

youu never told me much about yourself. i'm trying to piece together everything i know, and the list isn't that long. when it all comes down to it, i've realized that youu live two separate lives. your sl life. &your life here. you're a different person depending on which cityy you're in. &you're not quite readyy for your two separate lives to mix. i don't know if you'll ever be readyy for that to happen, and i won't sit around and wait. i'll let youu figure that one out for yourself.

i've lost all hope. i give in. but giving in isn't the same as giving up.

and it's hard for me, too. some things are just better left unsaid. such as....the dayy that i realize that i still have feelings for youu, youu tell me that youu got a girlfriend. it proves to me how much life loves me &how wonderful myy timing is. but it's ohkayy. i can deal with it. life happens. fate happens. i was meant to have bad timing, i guess. i can live with that. i'm not going to tryy talking to youu first, because like i said, i give in. if you're readyy or youu want to talk to me...well, i'll be there. if youu want me in your life again, i'll be there.

i feel so lost todayy. or. there's a weight within me that just won't go awayy.

the dayy began horriblyy. with a nightmare. one of those where youu tryy and wake yourself up, but youu just can't because your brain wants youu to see the worst parts of the entire thing. i hate that i can have such vivid dreams. i onlyy slept for ten minutes. around 630am.

i hate that he was in it. is he going to haunt me all of myy life?

in the dream, i was in a crowded elevator. a small one. i hate those things because it feels like a cable can snap &i can fall at anyy moment. i noticed him making out with someone near the elevator door, but i couldn't tell who. &while dreaming, i thought in myy mind "good thing i'm surrounded byy tall people to he can't see me." &right when i thought that, i started shrinking shorter &shorter &even shorter.

of course this happens....the elevator jerks &before it starts falling, i look around me. &everyone around me, beside him, has a blurred out face. melting, almost. like in eternal sunshine of the spotless mind. that was the one thing that scared me about that movie. &now, it was in some movie in myy head. but his face, onlyy his face, i could see so clearlyy.

the elevator falls. &suddenlyy stops. i get out. i'm in some place that's so familiar, but i can't remember where, exactlyy. some place with grayy walls and circles on them. dark floors. then, i see nick on a stretcher that's heading straight for me like someone pushed it forward, but i couldn't see anyone else. i move out of the wayy, and the stretcher holding nick crashes into the wall. he's bloodyy. there's blood all over him. &i rush over, touch him, and sayy "omg, nick, are youu alright?!" he groans. just a bit. and meanwhile, i'm freaking out.

then. nick transforms before myy eyes. &turns into him. i tryy to run awayy &scream but i can't. he grasps onto myy arm &won't let go. i don't know whyy but that hurt me in real life. because that was when i woke up, finallyy. after his face turned into just plain darkness, i woke up. finallyy. &myy arm was hurting where i dreamed he grasped it.

&after that, i was just in shock. staring at the ceiling. in shock. can't breath. can't think. then i feel this sudden sense of darkness coming toward me &i jump out of bed &turn on all of the lights in myy room. rush back under the covers. &can't help it but i start crying. i don't know. called justin i guess. partlyy 'cause i just wanted to know i wasn't alone in this world. &partlyy because i knew he was awake. it was lame. just wanted to talk to someone, but i couldn't. hung up phone. got back in bed, pulled the covers over myy head, lambyy in myy arms. started crying//hyperventilating//whatever it was again. almost wanted to stayy under the covers forever &die of suffocation or something. called justin again. realized i was being a dumbass. hung up again. bed again. didn't sleep after that.

school. &myy dayy kind of got worse after that. just a bit. i'm beginning to hate apenglish. i don't know whyy. that class just slowlyy makes me lose myy self-confidence everyy other dayy.

i feel so lost todayy. somehow passed out on myy bedroom floor when i got home. i don't know. just remember feeling dizzyy &next thing i know, it's 812pm. onlyy for a moment, i thought it was morning. &when i realized it wasn't, i remembered that i have homework to do.

it's the little things, the little moments, that make me happiest. i don't know if i see things that don't exist. or just feel things that don't exist.

i've learned long ago that when youu don't have expectations, it's a lot easier.

but still. it's the little things, the little moments, that make me happiest. &that's something that simplyy cannot be helped. (=